Leading by Example

By: Davida Grant

Teaching diversity is a big deal in my household.  I have Simone enrolled in a school with a diverse student and teacher population, I read her books that show diversity, and I take her to weekend activities that include children from all walks of life.  I also make it my business to interact with all types of people, demonstrating by example that people can get along and be friends, even if they look, think, speak or act differently.  I truly am a firm believer that all parents should take the time to explain to their kids that differences are a good thing, and should do so as early as possible.  Just think how beneficial this would be to efforts to move this country past the racism and prejudices that plague America.

Last week, I took Simone to the doctor for a check-up. While we waited, a little girl in a wheelchair with a physical deformity, and a toddler and infant with Down’s Syndrome joined us in the waiting area. As I greeted the children and interacted with them (eye contact, smiling, etc.), I watched Simone as she took in each child individually.  Eventually, she pointed at the little girl in the wheelchair and said, “Mommy, she’s my friend.” I smiled and shook my head, concurring with her declaration.  Simone approached the little girl and initiated a conversation.  Shortly thereafter, she pointed to the toddler and infant and said, “baby mommy.” She began smiling and waving at them.  Simone really adores babies.  Her excitement was contagious. Everyone in the waiting room was smiling and chuckling as they observed my daughter’s interaction with their children.

I couldn’t have been more proud. Simone embraced those children, even though they looked different, without missing a beat.  It was so natural.  The other parents absolutely loved the attention my daughter showed their children.  As I watched Simone, I couldn’t help but wonder if my actions had anything to do with her behavior.  I will never underestimate the lessons my children learn from my example.

Family Life Rocks!!

By:  Davida Grant

It is bitter cold in the DMV.  Because our house can be a bit drafty, I let the kids sleep in the bed with me last night.  We were cuddled up together, snug as bugs in a rug.  As usual, when the alarm sounded, I jumped out of bed, pumped Grant’s breakfast (3 more months of breastfeeding to go!), got myself and the kids dressed, and was out the door.  As I headed to Grant’s daycare, I did my absolute FAVORITE morning activity.  I called my husband.

The hubby leaves for work around 5:00 a.m., so we never see him in the mornings.  I can’t tell you how much I look forward to our morning calls.  Not only do I absolutely love the sound of his voice, but I love the smile I see on baby girl’s face every time she hears him say, “Hey Monee, Mone.”  Most times, we chat about nothing major, just a little bit of this and a little bit of that.  Until this morning, I’m not sure I realized how important these morning “chats” are to our family.  They really set the tone for our day and are one of the many things that keep the hubby and me bonded and our family unit strong.  I am so blessed.

Parental Roles: Who does what?

By:  Davida Grant

My husband, bless his heart, is something else.  Yesterday, he picked up baby girl from preschool and sent me a not so friendly text asking which coat was hers and then questioned why I hadn’t written her name in the coat.  My first reaction was, “how can you possibly not know what your daughter’s coat looks like.”  Once I set him straight, and mommies you know exactly what I mean when I say “set him straight,” I started thinking about roles.  I know every family is different, but are there some roles that naturally fall to mommies and others to daddies?  Hmmm.

So if you’ve read any of my prior posts, you know that I often reference the “super mommy cape.”  And let me say that I put that bad boy on just about every day.  In my household, I handle the majority of the kid-related tasks for our family.  This includes cooking, bathing, reading, dressing, shopping for clothing and other kid-related items, setting doctor appointments, taking kids to appointments, communicating with teachers, washing the kids clothes…Okay let me just stop there.  Now, I’m not suggesting that my husband does none of these things.  He does, but I am the primary in all of these areas and if I had to be honest, I think my husband not only wants it that way but expects it to be that way.  He views that as the “mommy” role.

So what is the “daddy” role?  Well, he is a fantastic provider and he wholeheartedly accepts this role.  He wants to know that the kids and I have everything we need and is quick to give me money to handle all of the “tasks” previously mentioned.  Interestingly, he rarely thinks to just handle one of the tasks himself.  I must make the suggestion.  My husband is Mr. Solution.  He enjoys “fixing” things and happily accepts this role.  For example, a few weeks ago I was struggling to get the kids ready in the morning and leave the house on time.  I seemed to be late everyday no matter what I did.  So Mr. Solution reviewed my morning routine with me and identified the areas where I could shave off some time if I made an adjustment here or there.  I have to admit his suggestions were great.  But again, interestingly, my husband never considered helping me implement those changes to make my mornings run smoother and faster.  And perhaps what’s even more interesting is that I didn’t question his failure to do so.  Instead, I just assumed “my role” and did it.

As I write this post, I can’t help but wonder if my experience is the norm.  There really is no guidebook here, right?  I mean is my husband wrong for not taking on additional roles regarding the kids?  My husband helps and I’m grateful for what he does, but could he do more, yes?  Am I wrong for assuming the primary role and letting him off the hook if you will?  If he offered to do more, how would I take it?  I’d like to say I’d embrace it with open arms, but if I’m being honest, I have to admit that I like being the hands on parent.  I need to know EVERYTHING that’s going on with my kids.  My husband, not so much.

Any who, this is just food for thought.  What are the roles in your family?  Please share.

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Play Dates: What are the Rules?

By:  Davida Grant

My daughter Simone is a rock star!  Her classmates love her and apparently talk about her all the time at home.  Go figure.  Now, I’ve been asked to have a play date.  Ut oh.

I’ll be honest.  Over the last couple of years, I’ve escaped the “play date” with moms I don’t know. We were fortunate to have a nanny until Simone was two and she took Simone to all the play dates. I’m probably making way too much of this, I mean really what’s the big deal.  Can I be honest?  It just seems a little weird to get together with people I don’t know AT ALL to let our kids play together, especially when they see and play with each other five days a week at school and during after care.  But, seeing at this is the trend, I guess I should get on board.

This is my idea of a play date.  I get together with family or a friend (possibly another mom with whom I’ve had a fair amount of contact) that has a child close in age to Simone.  We typically meet at one of our homes and not only let the kids get loose, but WE GET LOOSE.  Yep, a glass of wine or two is typically involved.  So it’s really a good time for all. This formula won’t work with “stranger” moms, because I’m not too keen on them coming to my house or going to theirs.  That means wine is out.  Bummer.  Even if we decide to meet elsewhere, can we really kick back while the kids are playing and have REAL TALK, if you get my drift. Uh noooooo.  We’ll end up having superficial, meaningless chatter.  What’s fun about that?  I work long hours during the week, and because I’m a “Professional” at work I can NEVER completely be Vida Marie.  On the weekends, I want to let my hair down.  Not happening at a “play date” with strangers.

Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong.  Maybe I’m not supposed to have fun.  Maybe a “play date” is just another task we mommies have to endure for the betterment of our munchkins.  So tell me mommies, what are the rules?  Do I need a mental overhaul? How lonnnnnnnnng should a play date last?  Help!

My Toddler Finally Likes her Little Brother. Whew!!!

By:  Davida Grant

I think Simone has turned a corner.  Finally, she likes and maybe even loves her little brother, Grant.

My story is not unique.  Many moms have shared that their toddler had issues adjusting to a new baby in the house.  I really hoped and prayed this would not happen to my family.  Adjusting to two kids would be difficult enough for me and the hubby.  Throw an “unwilling to adjust” 3-year old in the mix and it would be a looooooooong summer.  Sigh…. You already know the deal.  Simone Isabella wasn’t having it!

I am a planner and always want every “i” dotted and “t” crossed ahead of time.  So, I endeavored to figure out a way to get Simone on board with our new bundle of joy before she ever laid eyes on him.  With tons of advice from other moms, I started talking to Simone about the baby months before his arrival.  I showed her pictures of a baby and pointed to my stomach.  I talked to the baby while she was present and encouraged her to do the same.  When she played with her baby dolls, I’d emphasize that she’d soon have a baby brother and he’d be similar to her doll.  Simone seemed to be all in.  She’d listen attentively.  She’d rub my stomach.  She’d even point to my stomach and say, “baby, Mommy?”, to which I’d gleefully respond with a yes.  What more could I ask for?  We were on track, right?????  But no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there were rough times ahead.  Simone love Love LOVES being the center of attention.  Yes she can be loving and nurturing, but baby girl has a jealous and mean side to her that can send chills up my spine.  With a new baby, I’d have to share my attention.  Deep down I knew that Simone wasn’t having any part of that.  But I kept my fingers crossed and hoped for the best.

When Simone first laid eyes on Grant, she was all smiles.  “The baby, mommy?” she asked, staring lovingly at Grant.  I was delighted.   Simone seemed happy and ready to assume her role as Big Sister.  Oh how quickly things changed. Literally the next day, I noticed a significant cooling in Simone’s attitude towards Grant.  That morning, she gave him a once over and practically ignored him.  In fact, she only acknowledged him when he cried for an extended period of time.  In those instances, she’d look at me and say, “baby crying, mommy”, which was immediately followed by a look that said, “get him PLEASE!!!!!”  I tried to pique her interest in Grant, but nothing worked.  She wasn’t “mean” to him, but she basically didn’t want anything to do with him.  And every time I directed my attention to Grant, Simone tried to divert my attention back to her.  Simone was NOT willing to share.

I had to come up with something and fast. While I do wear the super mommy cape, there is still only one of me.  There’s no way I could give Simone all the attention she craved.  The hubby and I became a tag team.  If I had to tend to Grant,  he’d focus on Simone and vice versa. But when he wasn’t there, it was really R O U G H.  I wish “ignoring Grant” was all she did.  Simone quickly added to her antics.  She  wanted me to pick her up every time I picked up the baby.  She’d ask for something to drink every time I gave Grant a bottle.  She wanted to change her clothes every time I changed Grant.  But the coup de grace?  My toilet-trained daughter started having “number 2s” again in her panties and sometimes on the floor!  We had hit rock bottom.  My irritation and frustration knew no bounds.  Her regression was not cute on ANY level.  Arrgh!!!!!!  But no matter how much I wanted to kick and scream, I was the adult and I had to figure this out.  Trust me, it was a tall order!!!!

I tried every thing.  We’d have talks about her and Grant.  I made a concerted effort to make her feel included in the day-to-day activities with Grant.  I devised Simone-specific activities to distract her when I needed to tend to Grant.  I even set aside Simone-only time just to make sure she still felt special.  Nothing worked.  For the first three months, I didn’t see one iota of a difference.  And then one day, it happened.  I wish I could point to the trigger, but I can’t.  Simone just up and decided that she wanted to get involved.  Grant was crying and as I started to reach for his pacifier, Simone grabbed it and took it over to him.  She gently put it in his mouth, turned, gave me the biggest smile and said, “I did it, mommy.”  I almost fell over from the shock.  This is the Simone I’d been waiting months for.  Had she really arrived????

It’s been a slow journey.  Simone still has her moments but she has embraced having a little brother.  She’s always hugging him and kissing him and talking to him.  It’s adorable.  She wants to help me change him, feed him and sing him to sleep.  Now, I absolutely have to praise her efforts and I still have to give her lots of Simone-only attention, but I think she’s turned a corner.  Thank God!!!!

What about you?  How did your little one adjust to having a new sibling?