Parental Roles: Who does what?

By:  Davida Grant

My husband, bless his heart, is something else.  Yesterday, he picked up baby girl from preschool and sent me a not so friendly text asking which coat was hers and then questioned why I hadn’t written her name in the coat.  My first reaction was, “how can you possibly not know what your daughter’s coat looks like.”  Once I set him straight, and mommies you know exactly what I mean when I say “set him straight,” I started thinking about roles.  I know every family is different, but are there some roles that naturally fall to mommies and others to daddies?  Hmmm.

So if you’ve read any of my prior posts, you know that I often reference the “super mommy cape.”  And let me say that I put that bad boy on just about every day.  In my household, I handle the majority of the kid-related tasks for our family.  This includes cooking, bathing, reading, dressing, shopping for clothing and other kid-related items, setting doctor appointments, taking kids to appointments, communicating with teachers, washing the kids clothes…Okay let me just stop there.  Now, I’m not suggesting that my husband does none of these things.  He does, but I am the primary in all of these areas and if I had to be honest, I think my husband not only wants it that way but expects it to be that way.  He views that as the “mommy” role.

So what is the “daddy” role?  Well, he is a fantastic provider and he wholeheartedly accepts this role.  He wants to know that the kids and I have everything we need and is quick to give me money to handle all of the “tasks” previously mentioned.  Interestingly, he rarely thinks to just handle one of the tasks himself.  I must make the suggestion.  My husband is Mr. Solution.  He enjoys “fixing” things and happily accepts this role.  For example, a few weeks ago I was struggling to get the kids ready in the morning and leave the house on time.  I seemed to be late everyday no matter what I did.  So Mr. Solution reviewed my morning routine with me and identified the areas where I could shave off some time if I made an adjustment here or there.  I have to admit his suggestions were great.  But again, interestingly, my husband never considered helping me implement those changes to make my mornings run smoother and faster.  And perhaps what’s even more interesting is that I didn’t question his failure to do so.  Instead, I just assumed “my role” and did it.

As I write this post, I can’t help but wonder if my experience is the norm.  There really is no guidebook here, right?  I mean is my husband wrong for not taking on additional roles regarding the kids?  My husband helps and I’m grateful for what he does, but could he do more, yes?  Am I wrong for assuming the primary role and letting him off the hook if you will?  If he offered to do more, how would I take it?  I’d like to say I’d embrace it with open arms, but if I’m being honest, I have to admit that I like being the hands on parent.  I need to know EVERYTHING that’s going on with my kids.  My husband, not so much.

Any who, this is just food for thought.  What are the roles in your family?  Please share.

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Play Dates: What are the Rules?

By:  Davida Grant

My daughter Simone is a rock star!  Her classmates love her and apparently talk about her all the time at home.  Go figure.  Now, I’ve been asked to have a play date.  Ut oh.

I’ll be honest.  Over the last couple of years, I’ve escaped the “play date” with moms I don’t know. We were fortunate to have a nanny until Simone was two and she took Simone to all the play dates. I’m probably making way too much of this, I mean really what’s the big deal.  Can I be honest?  It just seems a little weird to get together with people I don’t know AT ALL to let our kids play together, especially when they see and play with each other five days a week at school and during after care.  But, seeing at this is the trend, I guess I should get on board.

This is my idea of a play date.  I get together with family or a friend (possibly another mom with whom I’ve had a fair amount of contact) that has a child close in age to Simone.  We typically meet at one of our homes and not only let the kids get loose, but WE GET LOOSE.  Yep, a glass of wine or two is typically involved.  So it’s really a good time for all. This formula won’t work with “stranger” moms, because I’m not too keen on them coming to my house or going to theirs.  That means wine is out.  Bummer.  Even if we decide to meet elsewhere, can we really kick back while the kids are playing and have REAL TALK, if you get my drift. Uh noooooo.  We’ll end up having superficial, meaningless chatter.  What’s fun about that?  I work long hours during the week, and because I’m a “Professional” at work I can NEVER completely be Vida Marie.  On the weekends, I want to let my hair down.  Not happening at a “play date” with strangers.

Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong.  Maybe I’m not supposed to have fun.  Maybe a “play date” is just another task we mommies have to endure for the betterment of our munchkins.  So tell me mommies, what are the rules?  Do I need a mental overhaul? How lonnnnnnnnng should a play date last?  Help!

She may not like what I like. Get over it!!!!

By:  Davida Grant

When I was a child, I didn’t take any extracurricular classes.  I don’t think my parents considered or even knew that such classes were an option.  As an adult, I’ve always harbored the belief that NOT taking an array of classes as a child  impacted my ability to discover my passions at a early age.   I vowed that my children would not suffer the same fate.  They’d take all kinds of classes —  dance, art, music, language and sports — to help them figure out their strengths, weaknesses, and passions early rather than later in life.

So, last Saturday Simone started her first dance class, ballet.  I was soooooo excited.  I bought her a pink leotard, pink tights and pink ballet shoes.  Baby girl would look the part.  When I woke her up that morning, I was giddy.  I said, “Guess what Simone.  Today you start your dance lessons.”  Then I started clapping my hands, doing a happy dance and shouting “Yay, Yay.”  Simone looked at me like I was crazy.  And I actually think I was.  But, my excitement was contagious, so she started jumping around too.  When I showed her the ballerina outfit, she was all smiles.  She couldn’t wait to wear it.  Once she was ready, off we went to start this new adventure.

Well, things didn’t go as I had planned.  I envisioned Simone twirling around the room and up and down the floor, you know doing all the steps the little ballerinas do on TV.  Baby girl was not having it.  While ALL and I mean ALL the other girls in the class pranced and sashayed around the room, Simone sat on the floor eagle-style and refused to do anything.  The instructor tried throughout the class to coax her into joining the fun, but Simone wouldn’t budge.  To my horror (yes I said horror), Simone stretched out on the floor, forcing the other girls to manuever around her.   This was not what I expected.  Where was the little girl that dances around the house every time she hears music?  That girl clearly was not in the building.

I was not prepared for this.  I didn’t consider that my dancing baby girl would not dance in class.  I didn’t consider that she might not like it.  After the class, I was quiet as a mouse.  Simone was her typical self.  For her, everything was business as usual.  It was on to the next.  For me, the past 45 minutes had changed everything.  Reality smacked me in the face.  It was the first time that I truly realized that Simone really is her own person. Yes I can and will introduce her to the things I think she’ll like, but at the end of the day, what matters is what she likes.  I can’t be mad if she doesn’t like what I like and frankly I shouldn’t be disappointed either.  Simone has her own journey and I, as her mother, must guide, support and encourage her along the way.  I can not and must not force her to choose the path I took or wish I’d taken.

Now, I’m not hanging up her dance shoes yet.  We’ll try another class or two to see if she warms up and participates, but if she doesn’t, that’s ok.  I will continue to expose her to an array of activities and I know we’ll find something she absolutely loves.

What about you?  Any lessons learned over the last week.  I’d love to hear from you.